There I was, minding my own business, on my blue couch, browsing Instagram. And there she was — Amber Rose — in this amazing bra that with a flip of her wrist, made her breasts go from .. ahh to AHH … I thought if that bra can handle her breasts, mine will be a breeze.
With summer at hand and thin strapped and no shoulder dresses in style, I thought, I must have this. The bra was cheaper than a store bought one. I placed my order.
How do I start? The glue on these bras is like the glue that is on the glue mouse traps. It’s gel, thick, and sticky. One of the big pluses of this bra is that you can get multiple uses out of each one. So, I thought, it made sense that the sticky stuff was like that.
Let me start by saying standing in my full-length mirror and pulling the string on my bra didn’t have the same effect. No, for the record, there is no video evidence.
First of all, it didn’t pull together. Second, of all, I discovered when you pull, it stretches the skin on your boobs tight and hurts. So you have to tighten it like you would a shoestring, each set of eyelets at a time.
So, I get it tightened up and go out. Aside from feeling like my breasts were stretched and pulled every time I moved, everything was good.
As the evening progresses, the clamp broke as I was dancing, went flying across the dance floor from under my dress, and the lace begins to loosen quickly. Uh oh. I’ve got boobs going east and west.
At that point in the evening and with the encouragement of my drinking friend Margarita, I decided to take the damn thing off. I ask the bartender for some masking tape; I had not a clue how creatively to tape things down, but, I was going to make an attempt.
I’ve learned some valuable lessons as a woman in my life. Coloring my eyebrows made me look like Herman Munster. Saving money and trying a Brazilian wax was more painful than childbirth and got my ass stuck to the bathroom floor. Trimming my bangs was a disaster. This lesson is right up there with those.
Sitting on a toilet in the bathroom of a jazz club with your dress around your waist and taking off a super glued on a bra is incredibly painful. The first cup I just pulled off, that’s when I thought for sure I lost my nipple and consciousness. The second I was much more cautious.
I never used the masking tape. I gathered my bruised bosom, tossed the bra in the trash, and finished my evening from the comfort of a bar stool. With a fresh drink. Moving slowly and cautiously. Very sore.
Today I am thankful
- The sun is shining brightly out my window.
- I have a busy day ahead.
- I am thinking of family and friends that I love so much.
- The new Wonder Woman movie opens today.
The lesson learned is, it never turns out the way it looks with the rock star in the video. I did buy two bras, though. I think when my nipple recovers I’ll try it again, but, with some bandaids and reinforcement.
affectionately yours, Laura