I went to a cabin last weekend with eight women I like very much.
I relearned a lesson I learned in grade school, high school, and life school. A lesson I seem not to be able to understand its boundaries. A lesson I can not comprehend what the definition of what it means “to be concerned” or “to backstab” apparently.
While not getting into the specifics; a situation occurred Saturday night about one of the women at the retreat that upset me greatly and made me cry.
I went on a walk with one of the women Sunday that I have grown close to over the summer. She and I have development a relationship of trust and openness. I confided in her about the situation.
On the ride home with a different woman Sunday afternoon, this woman shared my confidential conversation with her — who then — wait for it — called the woman I was crying about to tell her I back stabbed her.
I wish that were the cream of the story. It is not. In amongst the weekend were tidbits of gossip caveats by everyone about everyone. With everything up for discussion. I was never so happy to get in a car to head home.
There once upon a time, a cabin I went to, that I would leave that cabin in tears because of the love I was leaving behind. Maybe, that was the stark difference in this scenario.
Needless to say. I have turned into the cruel person in this scenario. Not only am I a back stabber, I now qualify as someone who interrupts, ignores, and treats people inferior to herself. I am taking a deep breath. Mind you, these are women I like, respect, and had not a clue I had an issue.
The powerful lesson that has come back to haunt me over and over, that I can’t seem to comprehend, is if someone talks with you about someone, they will talk about you to someone else. The other issue I seem to have is reading people. Other than the obvious ones that ignore me, of course.
No matter what the situation. If you are in tears, devastated, worried, or the other end of the spectrum, vindictive. It all comes out the same. Do not talk about people to anyone but your therapist who is bound by an oath to silence. Alas, the people reading, I shake my head and make my world just a bit smaller.
I am feeling shame. I know better. Other than asking how people are, I don’t take any pleasure in gloating over someone’s pain. As someone who has my shortcomings — I am always on the look out for the karma bus. It is a bitch to make a wrong judgement call, though. You have to own it. I own this one.
Today I am thankful
- There is a God, and He loves me
- Summer is put away; Fall is out
- There is always tomorrow and the next day
I am off to dance to the O’Jay’s “Back Stabbers” and praying this is the last time I have to learn this lesson.
affectionately yours, Laura