It started out innocently enough with the purchase of a pair of white capri pants. They fit in such a way across the back that you could see my pantie lines. Being a woman without an ass, (rumor has it, I inherited this physical attribute from my Grandma. Thanks, Gram.) I am very self-conscious of this.
I say to the older dressing room attendant “How do women wear these and not show their panties?” She looks around the dressing room and leans in and whispers “They wear those strapless underwear. All the movie stars do.” Not wanting to give away my naivete on said topic, I say “Oh, right.” Later, as I completed my purchase, she wrote down the name of a place to order said item from and slid it to me across the counter.
Yesterday, my no-lines strapless panties arrived in the mail. Basically, what they are is a self adhesive thong. They cover your lady parts and up your bottom. I thought I would give these new undies a trial run before wearing them tomorrow. The instructions seemed easy enough. At least until you are standing with your legs straddled in front of a mirror trying to position them. Obviously, the movie stars have assistants who put these contraptions on for them.
You’d think I would have learned from my previous experiences. Like the self-adhesive bra I almost lost a nipple to. Or, in an effort to save money, my attempt to wax my own lady parts. I had two children by natural childbirth — how painfully could it be? — very painful I discovered. On that adventure I glued my butt to the bathroom floor, leaving a piece of my ass, literally, stuck there.
Here are my lessons learned about no-lines strapless panties. 1. Do not consume alcoholic beverages before putting them on OR when taking them off. 2. Do not remove both ends of the adhesive strips at the same time. Position the one in the back, then the one in the front so it doesn’t look like you are camel toed and pudgy “down there.” 3. If you have not had electrolysis or wax to remove the hair on your lady parts. Do some landscaping before applying these. The adhesive on these suckers are no joke. 4. Definitely buy more then one package, you will need one for practice alone. By the way .. the YouTube video is not an accurate representation on the “ease” of use.
Today I am thankful for ..
- My boy cut jeans that do not show any pantie lines.
- The closure of a big project will be complete this weekend.
- The start of a new story board for an article I will be submitting.
Marilyn Monroe said “I am definitely a woman and I enjoy it.” I love being a woman. My Mom and Dad both have told me I should have been a boy. No, God got my gender right. I am not a big make-up wearer or hair fixer-upper. However, I do like dresses, heels and feeling feminine. I value the soft, the curves and contours of who I am. If trial and error of some products is required to perfect that part of me, so be it.
Have a fabulous weekend!
affectionately yours, Laura