While unpacking a box yesterday, I came across a worn and tattered yellow legal pad. In my large bold half printed, half cursive writing written across the top of the page were the words “Survivor of the Darkness” underlined multiple times. The date was September 2012. Under it I had created a wish list outline for spiritual, mental, body and a bucket list of what I wanted to accomplish yet in my life. Under each heading, I listed my dreams and goals in great detail. All directed to the result of what I felt I would need to do to make myself a survivor and achieve what seemed the unattainable at that time.
Today, in church I smiled to myself at what a difference that woman back in 2012 is from the one I am today in 2014. I have incorporated all my goals for my spiritual growth into my life. It didn’t happen easy or overnight. It started with a daily list of gratitude; giving thanks for what was good in my life. It went on to meditation, yoga, and a renewed relationship with God. Even though at times I feel like my prayers are more apologizing than prayer. “Oops, damn. Sorry about my language” or “Sorry about those bad thoughts.”
I began to practice paying it forward and the universe began to return the gifts to me. I made the cognitive decision to heal and forgive the pain of the past. That is a process, like grief, it comes in waves and I forgive again. I am coming to the point where when I think of people who hurt me, I wish them well and send them love into the universe. I often tease about the karma bus running my ass over if my attitude begins to back slide. It isn’t always easy. Some day’s I am on the “crazy train” without realizing it. It’s all a work in progress daily. However, here I still am, beating the odds, a survivor.
Today I am thankful ..
- Renewed contact with several family members
- Slowly everything is finding a spot in my new home
- Inside of me is a knowing that all is well in my world
- Every day I wake up and look down at my arm where the word survivor is. It reminds me of who and what I am.
All that I am is a result of what I was. With that in mind, I am much kinder to myself and more forgiving. In turn, it makes me more forgiving of others. after all, we can only do the best we can with the knowledge we have at that time. I wish you the same, be kind to yourself.
affectionately yours, Laura