i have talked a lot of bullshit in my lifetime. people who keep secrets, aren’t happy with who they are or just don’t know who they are, tend to do that. that was me. i know i have written in the past about the whole “small minds talk about people, great minds talk ideas” concept. i compensated for what i perceived was a lack within myself with hype to make myself seem better. i have shared before, a big jump for me was to stopping saying and doing things to gain love and acceptance. for those who know me well, if i can be silent with you, feel no need to fill the silence with “words” you have entered my space i have allowed to few. many times i leave a situation and think “i should have just “hushed.” (granny always said “don’t say shut up, say hush.”)
part of my self discovery is the comfort of knowing i don’t have to talk bullshit anymore. i stand on my own. i don’t feel i need to “make-up” hype to fill in my spaces. i am who i am. kind of like the whole popeye thing, you know? i have recently reconnected with people i thought would never like me or accept me — for me. my depression is such that i don’t have a whole lot of emotional energy to waste on people who don’t like me. i have been comforted by the acceptance, by just being me. slowly sharing who i am. peeling back the layers of my past that i feared if revealed would be held against me. to be accepted as the woman i am now, what the sum total of my past experiences have made me. wow. priceless.
that saying “it takes one to know one?” well, i know bullshit and if i choose, will engage in it for a short period of time. i am finding more and more i walk away thinking “how sad, i wish them well.” and hope like hell their stink doesn’t stay on me too long. the saddest thing, the more self discovery that is revealed to me, the more i understand why people have had to leave my life. and for that i pray every night for forgiveness and the healing of the harm i caused.
today i am thankful for ..
- forgiveness and healing of one’s spirit
- i got to have lunch with my best friend
- one more day till a new scandal episode!
more below zero weather heading our way, stay warm and safe minnesnowta!
affectionately yours, Laura